(SQPRANOS THEME SONG)
Gur undergrad student body at Brown only numbers about 6000 people.
That's from every state in the country and over 60 countries in the world.
So again, get all of your academic and extracurricular ducks in a row.
Leave nothing to chance
Hey, buddy
Davey
Saw your wife alone. I figured you for the trotters
Not tonight. I had a customer I couIdn't shake
Guy spends half an hour
deciding between a $20 soccer ball and a $22 soccer ball.
Who do you like?
That guy from Bowdoin seems to be making some sense.
No, I mean the game tonight
Ho,ho,ho!
You guys want to be alone?
( Davey ) I saw that refreshment table I knew you'd be around.
How do I get roped into this?
Charmaine knows with your sfogliatelle her daughter can go anywhere.
The janitor's the only one near them -That's a nice career for a lady.
Fuck you
I gotta get one of them belly bombs -Have I said "fuck you" yet?
Delicious, Artie. Glad I didn't eat tonight
Thanks, Davey. It's nice to be appreciated by your friends
The sensitive chef
Hey, Eric, they all done? -Iguess.
-You like this? Did you think he was gonna say
Gee, Dad, thanks for taking the time to come to this important event"?
How you doing, Eric? -Good, IVIr. Soprano.
-You want something to eat? No, we're going to Starbucks
You're thinking of going to Brown?
Yeah, it's a good school. A lot of star-fucking though
Hey, Iatrine lip -He's right.
He'II go where his mother says like his old man.
You too?
Yeah, I've heard
And now they're like Phil Donahue and Alan Alda.
Listen, I heard
...through the grapevine you took your uncIe's game
You know, the big one
Grapevine? -Yeah.
If you listen close, that song says
Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see."
You know me. I like to play a little
A little?
Forget it. This game's not for you
No, it's just, you know, I was thinking it'd be a kick
David, you're a nice guy I like you. Gkay?
Trust me, this game's not for you I don't want to see you get hurt.
These guys, they play deep
Know how many jockstraps I sell? -Not enough for this game.
Gkay? Forget it
Come on. Let's go see what the Y.0. from BuckneII's got to say.
Believe me, you don't want to know
You want to know what I'm thinking? Seriously?
I'd like to smash your face into hamburger
Gkay
I'm not
Don't worry
I know I broke your coffee table and
It's not gonna happen again
But you'd like to smash my face -Not really.
IVIaking hamburger out of me would make you feel better?
Is this a woman thing?
You ask me how I'm feeling I tell you how I'm feeling.
And now you torture me with it?
I don't know who the fuck I'm angry at. I'm just angry, okay?
\/\/hy the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back
Who makes you feel like a loser? Your mother?
Please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one
I see some guy walking down the street, you know, with a clear head
You know the type, he always whistles like the Happy-fucking-Wanderer.
I just want to go and rip his throat open
Why should I care if a guy's got a clear head?
I should say, "Good for you
Let's get back to smashing my face -Jesus Christ.
A
All right. Sometimes I resent you making me a victim.
That's all
I make you feel like a victim? -Yeah.
Remember the first time I came here I said...
the kind of man I admire is Gary Cooper, the strong, silent type.
And how all Americans are doing is crying and complaining.
A bunch of fucking pussies Fuck them!
And now I'm one of them, a patient
Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy.
See? There you go again
You said you're not the Happy Wanderer
I'm more like one of them
...than I am the jerkoffs I see leaving this office!
Stop with the faces already What do you got?
Three eights full. Santa IVIaria, yes!
Santa IVIaria? IVIore like Santa Claus
Did you cut the pot? -Twice.
Here. IVIake sure you spend it in my restaurant, you prick.
-That's it, I gotta go. Come on, another hour
I can't. Charmaine'II have my balls on the menu tomorrow
-Cash me out. Look at all the money!
Rich, can I get another dime? -We only got three players.
Vito's up for it, right?
Where the fuck do I gotta be? Cnly, Iet's up the ante.
You're into me for seven G's already
That's all? I'II make that back from Vito in an hour.
Count this ciucio out another dime
(EvERYoNE s|No|No)
Well, we have our work cut out for us
Gudren?
(s|No|No)
IVIeadow?
I'd like to talk to you
It really sounds good. I know you're disappointed
When you try out, the form asks what you want and I checked "soIo
Gudren hasn't had a solo. I like to give everyone a shot
IVIrs. Gaetano, I was a sophomore when I did Spider Woman.
-You okay with this? Do I have a choice?
You know I'm under fucking house arrest, you cute fuck.
Then take it and be happy
Either way, I'm having the executive game.
Your father and me started that game 30 years ago.
We were talking one day about how credit card companies
work their angle
They didn't care what you bought if you don't pay all at once.
They juice you, you thank them for letting you have a card
You'd rather be juiced than pay at once.
That's why we call it the executive game.
IX/ly brother Johnny was keen
Ch, yeah. That's why he left us with cici beans.
You don't know what you're talking about
Your father left Livia with a package that could choke a fucking elephant.
I gotta tell you?
She's like a woman with a ham, crying the blues because she has no bread.
Please. They don't make them like Johnny.
Keep in mind that he paid freight for your Uncle Ercole, buon'anima
That was a major fucking nut
Who? Who the fuck is Ecle?
Keep thinking you know everything
Some are so far behind in a race they believe they're leading.
Yeah, that's cute. Who the fuck is Ecle?
No, you opened this clam Who is he?
You don't know him. It's water under the bridge
IX/Ie and your father looked out for him He wanted for nothing.
I don't have time for this shit
He was my younger brother, between me and your father in age
Hercules, named after my grandfather
What are you saying?
Yeah, we had a brother you didn't know about because he was
It was different in those days
But God bless your grandmother
She went to every charity home in this fucking state...
Are you saying he was retarded? -Why don't you go fuck yourself?
He was slow
He was strong as a fucking bull handsome like George Raft.
If it was today, they might have trained him to be a whatever
Get him ajob
They didn't understand these things back then.
Jesus
What were we thinking? -Un-fucking-believable.
I remember my mother and father arguing about-- I don't know.
I thought she meant you
Not long before your father
Past is the past. This is the present
Let's talk about this game What's my end?
I don't know. Ten percent -Twenty.
Fifteen
Call your friends. Let them know the game's happening
(DooR oPEN|No AND cLos|No)
Can I help you with something, sir?
What? -Kid...
...you see me here every week. When are you gonna stop asking?
Ho, Rich!
-Is there a problem? I'm just breaking your kid's balls
Like the pimp says to his hos "Keep them coming."
Rich, that enveIope's two C's shy I'II catch up on it next week.
It's no problem. I just got caught off guard
I took a second on the house, didn't calculate it into my budget
-No good, Davey. It's just a stutter step. No biggie
The difference gets tacked on to the principal.
-And you know that Yeah, I understand
Now don't take this personally
Come on, Rich. That's not necessary
You think I started this life ten minutes ago?
A guy hands you a light envelope it's just the beginning.
Nothing personal
I know, but it'sjust this -I know.
It's just a stutter step
Is it fishy? -It's fish.
-You want something? Give me enough of that for 15 people
And ten pounds of shrimp
There's gonna be some serious money This is no nickel-and-dime shit.
These motherfuckers can play for two days straight.
and that fucking place looks like an operating room.
You mean we're, like, cleaning guys?
What are you doing? Something ain't right.
I saw you put your finger on the scale
-No, I didn't. Pull that with old ladies, not me
I didn't put my finger on the scale
Where you going? Wrap that up!
-I gotta weigh-- You gotta what? Rob me?
That reminds me
Whatever you do, don't engage Silvio in conversation.
He can be a sick fuck when he's gambling.
Cnce he was down 50 large. He sneezes, Fritzi says "saIute
Fritzi Neste from Hoboken?
Yeah, you know him? -No.
Then shut up and let me finish Anyway, Fritzi says "saIute."
Silvio thinks he said something else
For the rest of the night, Silvio blamed Fritzi for his losing streak
What did he think he said? -Are you listening?
He's a fucking nut. Who knows?
Here
I didn't put my finger on no scale
Put that shit in the trunk so it don't stink up the car
Pay for the fish
Is this guy for real or what? We're fucking piss boys?
Come on, Iet's get the fuck out of here
And the two rooms on the sides We may be here for some days
You people are ruining this place -That's your father's fault.
He made the deal
We want a lot of clean towels and the bathrooms fresh-smelling
I should work for nothing?
You ever suck his dick?
I make that beanie spin when I work his thing.
Am I right?
Don't bitch to me
(s|RENs)
What do you say?
License and registration
How about this instead?
I'm wearing a vest -Ch, yeah?
If I shoot, it's going in your braciola.
You're a real sick fuck
(LAUGHING)
Danny-boy!
How's the family? -Not bad, Paulie.
We had to move my father to another old foIks'--
I got my own fucking problems
Here
Listen. Do me a favor, right?
Your friends
.players or no, they don't fuck with the tourists and the hotel guests.
No gunshots or we gotta take the call
Go play cops and robbers
IVIake it four
Change coming to you
Mike
-Hey, IVIike. IVIatt, Tony wants you
-Yeah, T? Tony. Got the IVIacanudos?
-Yeah, you want one? Give one to me, one to Dr. Fried
Gentlemen? Frank?
Yeah, I'm in
IX/Ie too
Four hundred to you, Sil
What's in the pot? -About 2400.
Too soon to chase an inside straight -Doc?
Ca
IVIacanudos, you want one? -Go ahead, take a walk.
Don't let him scare you. He's not really a nasty fuck
He's an incredibly nasty fuck
Hey, chair-boy of the board read your cards.
Four hundred to you, John
Shakespeare's straightening out. Paulie doesn't have shit as usual
And the prick doctor may be flushing
Put the TV trays out between each player. Put some of this on them.
Don't give anyone booze unless they ask for it, all right?
-Do I know you? Yeah, you know me
I own Ramsey's Sports and Cutdoor
Davey, what're you doing here? -I was driving by.
I thought I'd stop and say hello
-Some place you got here. Yeah, a regular Taj IVIahaI
-Heard the kids? Bad enough she took me to the play
I never want to hear that song again
Eric's only light in the arts
His performance will put him over the goal line at schools he's applying to.
So, what's the game? -Seven card.
Was that Frank Sinatra, Jr.? -Yeah.
He's a friend of my uncIe's He flies in.
Wow! This really is an executive game.
-So, what do you think? There's a resemblance.
No, I mean the game. Could I take them or what?
What are the chances of me getting close to a game like this again?
-Let me sit in once. I don't do business with friends
You understand
Do I have to show your prom picture to these guys?
I appreciate your position, but come on, Tony, I'm a big boy
-What are you holding? I didn't expect to gamble tonight
-You need five G's just to sit in. Can't you float me, short-term?
All kidding aside
You understand what I'm saying? -Yeah, of course.
Hey, you don't have to explain business to me
Christopher, say hi to Davey Scatino -How you doing?
Give him five boxes of ziti Good luck.
(sNoR|No )
So there's a lot of money in sporting goods?
Yeah, but I tell you
Nike has its stores, the NBA has its stores, it cuts in.
It's just temporary, though. I got some ideas for next year
Hey, Davey. Ask the doc what his specialty is.
-Hard-ons. I wanted him to ask
-Really? Penile implants
Pot's right. Sixth Street, here we come
No help
IVIysteries abound
Shut the fuck up and deal
Nine of spades, thank you
Six of clubs
What's the bet? -Eight hundred.
What the fuck could you have? -Incredible luck.
You're telling me, you fuck
-Bet? Don't rush me
You been rushing me all night
He didn't study this hard in school -The bet's not to you.
Good. The dealer controls the game
Do you fucking mind? Jesus, do you ever shut the fuck up?
Blow that smoke somewhere else!
What are you doing? -Take it easy.
I'm losing my balls over here and this moron's playing Hazel!
Get out of here!
I was trying to sweep the cheese
He's sweeping the cheese I'm trying to--
Leave the cheese there! I love fucking cheese at my feet
I stick provolone in my socks at night
...so they smell like your sister's crotch!
All right? So leave the fucking cocksucking cheese where it is!
Here. Here. Here Go ahead!
Have a good time
Why don't you go fix a fucking dick?
Doctor Fried, you know about that Viagra shit?
He won't quit, this fucking guy
I heard they're sinking a crate of it to the Titanic to try and raise it.
Very good, very good -All right.
Down and dirty
Last card, automatic 12 hundred bump
Kings rule the realm. Kings talk
Check
Door's wide open, Dr. Fried -Check.
-David? He checks
Bet. Twelve hundred
I'm gonna call, because you ain't got dick
Can I steal this fucking hand? I think I can.
I'II raise 12
You shouId've checked. You got shit and now it costs you another bet.
Ch, fucker
Let's see them, boys -Trips.
Three deuces
Cry me a river. Three beautiful kings
-Flush. You motherfucker
You slow-rolled me. What were you doing to that hand?
His money's good. He wants to sail, it's his business.
Fuck you too
I shouId've stayed with my goomar tonight
Hey, cheese fuck, get me some food
(HoRNHoNmNo)
-I'm so pissed. Good morning
Hunter called and said that Rachel got an early acceptance to Wesleyan
And you didn't expect it? -No.
-Think. Did you ever see her mom? Please. I'm blacker than her mother
What time is it? -It's almost 9.
How we doing? -Slowing down.
See if they want to close the lights
Thanks
Want more coffee?
Yeah, Tony, put a little sambuca in it for me, would you?
Anyone want to close the lights? -Is that a game?
He's a pisser, this kid
Closing the lights
It means do you want to admit you lost and pack it in?
Coming out
How much is he into us for? -About 45 boxes of ziti.
He grabbed ten while you slept
He said you okayed it
(KNGCKING )
Go get that
How do you expect to make a dime with this fucking stonewaller?
How'd you get in here?
Same as you. Through the front door
-Hi, Rich. Hi, Rich?
( Tony ) I got some nice fresh lox
I should stab you in the fucking eye
Come on, Rich -Get off me...
.or I'II put one in your head Don't threaten me, Richie.
Don't threaten you? I got a hard-on for you already
Give me a reason
Don't make me embarrass you Cutside now, I want to talk.
Christopher, get everybody a drink I'II be right back.
Come on, Frank, doc, sit down
No, Tony, I'm wiped. I'II settle up with you next game
Give my regards to your uncle -Have some breakfast.
No, really, I got tickets for the Rueles-Harris fight tonight
IVIatt, thanks a lot. Here's one for your pal
Cash me out, Sunshine
Thank you, IVIr. Sinatra, Jr., sir
I shut him the fuck down, he comes here and he sticks it up my ass!
What's that got to do with you disrespecting my game?
Like you wouIdn't be different -You're fucking right.
I'm sick of this holier-than-thou act and I'm not the only one.
Ch, really? Well, if anybody wants to make a move ....
Come on, Tony. Don't get so fucking dramatic
All I'm saying is you act like you're in a different business
Send that prick out so I can talk to him.
Do you realize this motherless fuck is into me for over eight large?
He's got money to play here?
Let him pay me my money Send him out.
Go home. This ain't gonna happen to one of my players
Everything all right?
Wow, he was pissed
I'm gonna let you sleep one day
Then you're gonna get up and get my $45,000.
Yeah, no problem
How about the luck on that Silvio? -Why don't you shut the fuck up?
I could use a schvitz. Want to go for a schvitz?
If you don't give me every penny...
...I'II send somebody to you every Saturday for five percent interest.
If you don't have it, I'II tack it on to the principal
Understand?
Listen, Tony, I had a good run there for a while.
I should have quit then, though
So you never told me how your kid made out at Bowdoin
How my what?
Would you like anything else?
Tony, did I do something to insult you?
Two days
-How'd we do? Not done counting, but it's up there
At least 80 boxes of ziti after expenses.
( Silvio ) Two boxes came out of my pocket
Fellas?
Salut
You fucking believe it? We now run the executive game
Sil, remember when we used to look through that crack in the door
when my old man and Junior had it?
Yeah, I remember
Junior would chase us down the street
Executive game
(|v|EAoow s|No|No)
(KNGCKING )
Do you mind? God!
I'm trying to sleep. I been working all night
How you doing, Eric? -Good.
Sounds good -Thanks.
Are you awake now? -Yeah.
Good. Close the door -Hey!
Where's your mother? -The store.
Aunt Barb called. Uncle Tom's father died
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tom, Sr.?
-When? I don't know
He's here every Christmas Eve You don't ask?
Somebody says "Joe Blow died normal people ask, "How?"
Jesus
This gust of wind comes knocks him off the roof.
All for a satellite dish
That's very sad
Yeah
How old? -65.
Works his whole life, takes care of his family
Cne day after he retires, one day
It's freaky
Carlos Castenada said
Live every moment as if it were your last dance on earth."
Who listens to prizefighters?
Ali, maybe. He had a little wisdom
Well, at least Tom, Sr. isn't the Happy Wanderer anymore
What's that supposed to mean?
He got his. You don't have to pummel his ass
He's joined the ranks of the unlucky
IVIaybe you know what you're talking about, but I don't
Found out I had another uncle A retarded uncle.
IVIy father's brother that nobody told me about
You believe this shit?
Was he seriously developmentally disabled?
Serious? No, he had everybody in stitches back then.
Now that you found out you have a retarded family member
...do you feel better about coming here?
What?
Is it permissible now?
Is it enough of a sad tragedy that you can join the rest of the douche bags?
I was talking to him a couple days ago
Yes, he was a wonderful man We're here for you, Barbara.
(cRv|No )
Fucking Bette Davis back there -No scenes.
Come on, get up. We're leaving -Thank you, God.
-I will kill you. We paid our respects. We're leaving
This may be a shock, but they're not here to see Sopranos kill each other.
-Hi, Carm. Hi, Richie
Come on. I gotta give mine too
How many rooms this place got? -It's a big joint.
This is a pretty good racket
I don't think you can smoke in here
Who's gonna complain? Him?
Hey, you mind?
He don't mind
Listen, Anthony
I'm sorry about blowing up in your game.
You were out of line
Back off and respect the title you jerkoff.
It's your ball. You make the rules
No, no, I don't make them. They've always been there
And David Scatino doesn't pay you a penny until I get mine first.
That's the tax you get for raising your hands at my game.
I get mine, then you get yours That's how it's gonna be.
I don't do something, how's it gonna look?
If everyone could please take their seats
We are about to begin
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen
Since it has pleased Almighty God to call our brother from this life...
...we commit his body to the earth to return to that from which it was made
Christ was the first to rise from the dead
You shouIdn't take shit from him
I heard you the first time Let's drop the subject.
/-\|| right
Tony put me back in action Gave me 50 G's.
What is that, nothing? -Please.
I know how things work. Don't forget I was Daddy's little girl.
He didn't do you any favor
When my father was in his position
he gave Romeo IVIartin $50,000 when he got out ofjail.
Now we're talking about 30 years ago
Thirty years ago
Fifty thousand
What's this fucking appointment you had when my friend came?
Think I'm still a kid on the school bus?
Please, Tony, I'm doing my best here
I fucked up, okay? I'm gonna make it all work out somehow, I swear.
What do you got for me? -I'm tapped.
Stand up -Why?
Because Ijust said so. Get up
Get up or I'II rip your fucking head off
Come on
I'm sorry, Tony. I wouIdn't do anything to insult you
Cur kids go to school together
Tony, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm just having some bad luck
It just got worse
I'm gonna come back. IVIy Iuck's gonna change
Tomorrow. I want something tomorrow You understand me?
(CRYING )
Where's the wife? -She's home.
Can I talk to you? -You all right?
Sit down. Sit down
Talk to me
I got myself in a little bind
Jesus, I feel ashamed
Well, what's going on? What happened?
I'm in ajam, a bad one
This could cost me my marriage, my business
I'm sure there's something we can do. What kind ofjam?
God, no, Artie
Talk to me. I'm your friend
I need money
IVIoney, Artie. Not much, just
How much money are we talking? -Just enough...
...to give me some breathing room until I get the rest together
It's 20 thousand
Davey
Shit. Bad timing. IVIan!
You won't believe it, but I gotta put a new roof on this place
God forgive me for saying this, but did you consider Chapter 11?
Tony Soprano's not gonna buy that
Tony
Ch, jeez, Davey. Jesus Christ
Eric, give me the keys -Why?
-There's mud all over the tires. ( Female ) Dave, what's wrong?
Say goodbye to your truck -( Eric ) What?
-Dave. Ch, this is bullshit!
I warned you, no off-roading. I gave you enough chances!
Dave, this is not the place -Dad, I didn't do anything!
Eric, accountability is everything -Cff-roading?
I drove it onto the field to bring some girls to cheerleading!
There's mud all over the doors I warned you!
I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything, IVIom!
-Get in the house. I fucking hate you
You apologize, right now!
Cpen them
You like it?
This is Eric's jeep
Ch, my God. Is this Eric Scatino's jeep?
-His dad sold it to you? Yeah, you know. Something like that
What do you mean, Something like that"?
You know
Jesus, Tony
I'II eat it before I give it back What am I, a sucker?
What does Eric have to do with his father? What'd he do to you?
The guy owed me money, and he did the right thing offering the car.
Yeah, right
This is you talking
His wife's close to the brother-in-law of the provost at Georgetown.
You want to act holier-than-thou?
Go ahead, but I'm not giving it back
Then I'm gonna buy clothes and food and shoes and CDs...
...and all the rest of the shit I've been buying since you were born!
Everything comes from the work I do! -All right, Tony, that's enough.
A grown man made a wager. He lost
He made another one. He lost again End of story.
Take that high moral ground and go sleep in the bus station if you want!
Where?
Tony
I almost didn't make it Where's Janice?
Didn't I see those at the wake? -That's funny.
I'II see you after the show
Just keep thinking of IVIeadow
Eric, come on! Let's talk. You're just gonna leave?
I thought you were my friend
I am. I can't stop my dad from selling it.
Your dad's a fucking asshole you know that?
He's a real low-life asshole
I suppose yours is innocent?
For your information, he gave it to my dad. He didn't steal it.
You know what, IVIeadow? Fuck you, fuck your gangster father
and fuck this!
(DooR SLAIVIIVIING)
Welcome, everyone, to Cabaret Night
As we are recording tonight's show, we 'd like to remind everyone:
Please, no talking, no pictures or videotaping.
And please remember to turn off those pagers and cellphones.
If you think you may need a lozenge
...may we suggest that now would be the time to unwrap it
as opposed to during the performance.
Program notes: In the second act, "Sun and Moon
...to be performed by Eric Scatino and Meadow Soprano, has been canceled.
Regretfully, ll/lr. Scatino will not be performing tonight.
singing "My Heart Will Go On the theme song from Titanic.
Enjoy the show.
That's a lucky break. I wonder what happened
(APPLAUSE )
(s|No|No)
(PoP SGNG PLAYING)